I know for a fact that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t want you to discuss the end of her 10-year marriage to Coldplay hipster Chris Martin. That’s why she came up with “Conscious Uncoupling”. Gwyneth Paltrow is an Oscar winner and Oscar winners do not get divorced like commoners.
When I read those words, I frowned hard. I blinked, and instinctively enlarged the font size to ‘72’. My ears got itchy. My face went close to the screen, then back. My mind could not process the words, because my brain was angry.
Why did she have to complicate a 150-year-old, universally accepted term called “divorce”? It must have worked, because here I am, consciously writing about “Conscious Uncoupling”, instead of her supposed affair with entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn. Hey let’s deconstruct clumsy phrases instead of addressing why celebrities-who-have-everything stray!
Coldplay’s new single is called ‘Magic’, but I think Chris Martin is calling it quits. Who wouldn’t, when you have a New Agey-wife who hates gluten, eats naked in front of the mirror to stay slim and hangs around flirty billionaires all the time? I, too, would lock myself away in some wintery log cabin to write morose albums called Mylo Xyloto while growing an epic beard.
I can only imagine the hair-pulling euphemisms Mother Gwyneth imparts to her children Apple and Moses at home, you know, phrases that would make every other child in the playground wonder if they’re aliens. Does she refer to “taking a dump” as “Pre-Composting”? Or a fart as “Unfriendly Methane”? Or the act of intercourse as “Blooming Flowers”? I mean, who knows, right? It is very hard to predict people who hate the dictionary.
Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, and Gwyneth and Chris are on to something radically “transformative as co-parenting resources”. See how I’m starting to sound like them? Who am I to suggest this “conscious” and “unconscious” thing won’t catch on? I shall refer to every wedding as “conscious coupling”, and every couple divorcing while in a coma as “unconscious uncoupling”. Right?
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