THIS GUY IS EXCITED (Or, How To Have A Dry Orgasm)

He is far from brain dead, but he is repetitive.

He says ‘Oh My God’ 70 times in 6 minutes. I know because I counted. Took a lot out of me. I blasted the audio to count the number of “OMGs” and my housemate banged on my door, thinking I was freaking out to gay porn. So be grateful.

BACKSTORY: So these two guys are HUGE Britney fans. Duh. The one on the right is Kevin, and the other, Justin. (I don’t know why I bother naming them because embarrassment doesn’t need names.) They might be gay.

ANYWAY, all week long, Kevin has been avoiding snippets and blurps of the new Spears’ video ‘Till The World Ends’ everywhere. That is, till he gets to Justin’s house, because that’s where he’s dying to see the awesome video in its ENTIRETY.

Now, honestly, I’m not judging these kids because they’re squinty-eyed, or look funny, like sweet, 3-day-old gerbils. I’ve just never seen someone get so worked up over ANYTHING. I kept thinking he was gonna burst a blood vessel or something. Kevin (or issit Justin?) must be the most excited person on the planet. He’s like a high-pitched sperm with nowhere to go. I imagined at that point, if the broadband had choked and the Britney video had blacked out, he would have trashed the apartment. Then slashed his wrist before throwing himself off the roof.

I have plenty of questions. Does he strangle other fans at Britney concerts? Does he jack off to her posters, in public, while waiting to buy said concert tickets? Does he faint when a Britney song comes on in the mall? does he talk to a Britney Doll before he falls asleep? Is HE Britney every Halloween? Does he make his Mum dress up like Britney? Does he name his best friends Brit Brit 1, Brit Brit 2, Brit Brit 3? Questions, questions..

I’m not a mean person, but if he was next to me in a club and going “OMG! OMG! OMG!” 70 times in 6 minutes, I might nonchalantly trip him, step over his feeble carcass, head to the bar and reward myself with a shot of whiskey.

BUT… BUT… (the biggest BUT in the world).. If I was a rock star, I’d want a groupie like that. No, I won’t invite him on the bang bus, but I’d get him to wait at hotel entrances, concert front rows, press conferences and book signings as I appear. That’s gonna get attention. Nothing is greater publicity than someone shitting his pants in excitement, then dying.

I thought 5-year-olds getting an ice-cream was “Excited”. Noooo. I thought 8-year-olds getting their first puppy was “Excited”. Noooooooo. That’s play school. This level of excitement should be reserved for a talking penis.

What does Kevin mean exactly when he says ‘Oh My Gawd’? I’m pretty sure God heard him. Is it an exclamation for anything awesome? It’s even weirder when you transcribe what he’s saying. Because, while these phrases are uttered with immense gayness and drama, you don’t have a friggin’ clue what he means.

“Oh my gawd my heart’s beating… it’s beating!”

Really? You’re not dead? Dammit! I can’t believe it .. OMG!

‘Holy fuck, I can’t squeeze my hands… I can’t. I can’t. God help me.. I can’t.”

Have you tried squeezing Justin’s nuts?? That might help.

“My arms are numb… I’m scared… I can’t even feel my hands, my head is like numb. I’m gonna pass out.”

You’re scared? You’re scared of a Britney video? Wait till you land in prison, dude.

Bottom line, I don’t think he said “oh my gawd” enough.

Meantime, the video responsible. OH>>>MY>>>GAWD.

About these ads

16 thoughts on “THIS GUY IS EXCITED (Or, How To Have A Dry Orgasm)

  1. My lecturer sent us an email with this video link, right before our finals. I wasted 6min of my life. This is way worse than Friday.

  2. honestly anyone who spends this much time analyzing and berating something this asinine is, not having healthy amounts of sex or of social interaction in his life or trying really hard to compensate for serious issues :( hasn’t anyone taught you that there can be finesse to humour? no one really wants to read an old guy bitch about things that dont really matter hhaha i mean come on not everything has got to be as fluffy as the magazine industry you know..

  3. Oh my.

    I’m stunned by your brilliance. I found your blog by chance and I’m now laughing my ass off and wondering if you’ve ever considered being a sperm donor because humankind needs your hilarity.

    And if someone repeated “OMG” excessively, I would shit on his soul. Exceptions are made for uneducated twelve-year-olds.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.
The Esquire Theme.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 150 other followers

%d bloggers like this: