I like brunettes. Whenever I see hot brunettes, I imagine myself walking barefoot through their burnt midnight hair. It's creepy, I know. People usually just wanna snip it off and smell it, no?

So I keep seeing hashtags on Twitter about Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Exes and I’ve decided that people fixate on perfectly selfish reasons to COMPLAIN. I complain too, but I like to see it as getting something off my hairless chest.

But seriously, people whine so much about relationships that I’m usually prompted to ask: “Dear Whoever, you can date anyone you want, but why do I have to hear about how tough it is?” I don’t whine about my uneven tan lines to you right?

Tweeting your problems helps release them. They’re like brain farts. I tweet it, and it’s over. I don’t give a rat’s ass about it afterwards. If you read it and get offended, then it’s like voluntarily STANDING IN FART. That’s not very smart, yo. Farts are not like gas leaks in the house. You don’t go sniffing out the source.

ANYWAY, tweeting is cathartic. Not that I’m Catholic, but I think it works much better than a priest breathing heavily in the shrouded cubicle next door. Speaking of which, I’m starting to feel like one of them burdened souls.

Because I get a lot of questions about Men/Women issues, especially, “How  would A Last Alpha Male deal with these problems”-type questions, I’ve helpfully scoured the Internet for meaningful charts to help you understand the opposite sex better. They work like the Periodic Table of Elements for Chemistry students, or the profit-and-loss charts of Koi Bubble Tea. (All profit, just starch at the bottom. No loss.)

The problems with Dudes & Chicks can be summed up with these two wonderful diagrams.

I like this Fifth Colour green. It's perfect for eye-shadow if SIA decides to update the make-up of the Singapore Girl.

What This Chart Tells ME about Boys:

1) Gay men love to be the centre of attention. And because they embody so much of other boyish qualities, masculine and not-so-masculine, they’re very complex creatures. If you’ve ever been to the wrong parts of Chinatown and Neil Road after 1am, you’ll see that the finding that ALL gay men are handsome, smart and nice is wrong.

2) Handsome boys prefer to be on top.

3) Nerds are like the anuses of the world. Everyone needs one.

4) Three circles squashed together look pretty.

5) Smart, Handsome Men have to be either an asshole, or gay. That’s a huge sweeping statement which also means this chart was drawn up by a bitter, jilted addicted-to-Chanel bitch who became a fag hag after her Wall Street Prince Charming dumped her whiny, high-maintenance ass.

NOW THIS:

If you focus your eyes at these three balls and concentrate hard enough, you'd realise after 5 minutes, "What the HELL AM I DOING THIS FOR??"

What This Chart Tells ME About Girls:

1) Since they’re always in the middle, the ONES WHO ONLY DATE ASSHOLES get all the action.

2) If you’re a Smart, Nice Girl, then you get the fugly brown colour. I would also replace the word ‘Idiot’ with ‘Boring’ but what do I know right?

3) Unlike the Boy Chart, which proudly displays the term, ‘GAY’, girls don’t understand the term ‘LESBIANS’. Because the state of Lesbianism is not a permanent state. Most of them go back straight after they realise they’re missing a major human appendage of joy. The word rhymes with ROCK.

4) The creator of this chart – most probably female and clueless – also forget to include names for female versions of ‘ASSHOLE’ and ‘NERD’. For which I’ll helpfully substitute with ‘BITCH’ and ‘SPINSTER’.

5) This chart was most definitely drawn up by a girl because she doesn’t hate herself enough to come up with more colourful language.

So there you have it. Charts that explain all your relationship problems at a glance. Oh wait, there’s one more to help you understand simple, low-expectations, easy-to-please men much better.

Good design is a lot like clear thinking made visual. — Edward Tufte