’50 THINGS TO DO BUTT NAKED’

I had no idea women desired to do so many things in the buff. I’m very, very comforted. This means they’re exactly like me. I’m not weird after all. It is a long day when I have to keep my pants on for  more than 8 hours.

Doing things butt naked gives you spiritual freedom. I read somewhere Aussie band Crowded House recorded one of their albums in the buff. It must be a pretty crap album, because I’ve only know three songs from the band.

It’d be a different story if Generation Girls recorded their album in the buff. It can be 10 tracks of them snoring gently with a triangle and it’d sell millions.

‘LADY GAGA: Love Advice Only Gaga Would Give’

I’m surprised women would take love advice from someone who doesn’t have time to date anyone, because, you know, it’s more fun making millions a year without breaking your heart.

‘Speak His Sex Language: We decode the secret clues men send in bed’

This is news to me. Because I thought we kept it really simple for women. Forget the clues and let me break it down to three general rules okay?

1) Don’t pretend you’re having a headache/stomachache/period cramps.

2) Look alive and enthusiastic. Your eyes should light up at the sight of us stripping clumsily, and tripping over ourselves to get into bed, as though you just saw your dream Birkin in the window.

3) Be earnest and slutty and eager to please. Because we’d do the same for you. Whatever you do, don’t go into a porn coma. Unless you’re Japanese.

‘SEX SURVEY: Thousands Of Guys Reveal What Really Flips Their Switches’

Really? Women would pay for a story like that? I can tell you right now and save you from picking up future issues of rehashed surveys.

1) Breasts. 2) Backsides. 3) Legs. 4) Slutty Faces 5) More breasts 6) Full Pillow Lips… I can go on. But basically, any part not covered by clothes appeals to some men at some point. More if it’s where the sun doesn’t shine.

‘MEGAN FOX: Naughty Or Nice?’

I’m amazed women need a verdict. I don’t care.

‘What He Wants To See During Sex’

Everything. I mean, everything. But to take it to the next level (that means, something so explosive you have to share your experience in the girlfriend group chat immediately afterwards), you should be hardworking, dirty-mouthed, and hungry like a lioness who’s only had seaweed the past week.

‘My Gyno Talked To My Vagina and Other Doc Shockers’

This is not news. People talk to everything to cultivate a warm, rewarding relationship. I talk to plants, pets, babies, paintings of fruits, other people’s babies, etc to formulate the thoughts in my head. Vaginas also need conversation because for the last five hours you’ve been neglecting it as you talked to the head over dinner, the movie and the stroll. I’m not called the Vagina Whisperer for nothing.

‘Get In His Head And In His Bed’

When you look like the woman on the cover IT. IS. NOT. HARD. AT. ALL.

‘Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks: How She Chased Her Man And Got Him’

Come on. A woman like that doesn’t need to chase any ice-cream truck. The truck comes to the house. Every single day. And stays for 5 hours as she eats everything. Look at that woman. They want less-gifted women to believe mythical creatures like her chased her man so the rest of the pack don’t hate on her. “YOUR MONSTER BOOBS ARE FUGLY.. BOOOOO!”

‘Sex In The Office: Step Away From The Photocopier’

Yes, you should step away from the photocopier. Because those things are expensive and the warranties usually don’t cover ‘hard-banging sex that cracked the glass as evidenced by the copious amount of buttock prints’. By the way, toner is getting to be as costly as crude oil. True story. As an alternative, you should try the office boardroom table. It’s sturdy, it’s spacious, and you can leave comely residues at the seat of your favourite boss.

‘COSMO Investigates: How Can A Woman Disappear Without A Trace?’

Yes, how can a woman disappear without a trace?? SHE CAN IF CHRISTINA HENDRICKS ATE HER. Look at that. She even turned up at the cover photoshoot WHILE DIGESTING SAID WOMAN, like a beautiful, sultry python in repose. OMFG I LURVE THIS WOMAN.