Honest Conversations From Total Art Amateurs At Art Stage 2016

I’ve practised the art of looking serious in the presence of expensive art. And so should you.

If you haven’t graduated from Yale, Columbia or Goldsmiths College, it’s best you contain your ghetto reactions, no matter how outrageous the art concepts might be.

All due respect must be given to the efforts, sacrifices and unbridled passion of the artists on display.

It’s easy to look at something the size of a Monopoly board that took 260 hours of work without understanding the pain, intelligence and conscious suffering. We have to give the pieces time to “speak” to us.

However, in the absence of time, such as when hundreds of people are moshing through the aisles on the opening night of Art Stage 2016 consuming high-quality art, you need to make snap perspectives.

Gentle note: You will be mingling with tons of deadpan art critics holding flutes of champagne and looking over their reading glasses, chin-scratching millionaires who just want to “refresh” their garages, and A LOT of people who basically married well.

They will ignore you aggressively.

This is totally understandable, because fine art dealers, students and more importantly, the artists, have had years and years of deep, art training.

My art training so far involves giving five pounds to a street mime in London last year.

Regardless, the middle class fanboy in me needs to consume art. People like us, we come eagerly in waves – notebooks, cameras and amateur opinions in tow, to pay homage to some of the most arresting work in the world.

Captured below are some of the fair’s highlights, and pretension-free conversations.

Making an entrance

1: “So what type of art is this?”

2: “It’s a signboard. Don’t overthink it.”

BlueManHat

BlueSmokeyNips

1: “This is deep.”

2: “Can you imagine his Internet banking password?”

BodyImage

1: “Her core looks really strong.”

2: “I love carbs too much to enjoy this.”

BulletHoles

Cathartic

1: “This is literally the saddest looking thing here.”

2: “Why is the baby human rat crying?”

CasetteTapeMan

1: “When Bae is in the tanning booth, but wrapped in popcorn.”

2: “That face though.”

TargetPractice

1: “Why are these guys framed like they are on target practice?”

2: “It poses the question, ‘If they’re on Tinder, who would you aim for?”

BurntOuts

1: “It means you can only have one bright idea in your lifetime. After that, you’re all burnt out.”

2: “Does this call for greener mass burials?”

Badminton

1: “Wow, badminton over barbed wires.”

2: “Actually, a badminton net is taller.”

Bells

ArtistAtWork

BigGirl

1: “When you find out your Crush has been texting your Best Friend all.this.time.”

BlueHorse

1: “I want a pony like that. But less blue.”

ChillingFeet

1: “I feel like they can put more art in here… Hey, nice kicks!”

2: “Probably updating his Facebook status.”

UsAtArtStage

CockroachesLove

1: “Cockroaches. I don’t love this.”

2: “I LOVE it when they’re not there. Geddit?”

CoolDude

1: “He looks like a cool jazz musician who reads Dave Eggers and farms his own vegetables.”

2: “Look at his eyes. They’re red AF!”

CreepyEyes

1: “Paedophile.”

2: “And he won’t tell you where he buried the bodies.”

1: “Is that why he is sinking into a coaster?”

CreepyKids

DavidChan

1: “That roast goose is legit.”

2: “Where are we going for supper?”

Dieties

1: “Another day, another shitty App purchased from the iTunes store.”

2: “Yes, I would aim a machine gun at that.”

elephant

1: “But elephant poachers would take the tusks and run, no? They leave the bodies to die.”

2: “You’re not helping.”

FieldShark

1: “This piece is Jaws-dropping. Hur-hur.”

FuturisticBaby

1: “That’s a smug looking baby.”

2: “If I had a baby Bat Pod before I could walk, I would be smug too.”

goldfish

1: “There are goldfish in these small pools of water.”

2: “Will they die without oxygen pumps?”

1: “They have 3-second memories, so they won’t know they dying.”

GoodHairDay

1: “When it’s a good hair day but Bae suddenly remembers she left the kettle on.”

hairball

1: “The inside of Jeremy Scott’s vacuum cleaner.”

IceCream

1: “Devastation.”

Inception

1: “When you’re off your face and the DJ drops your favourite Shrillex track.”

LatexSex

1: “If Miley Cyrus and Eva Green had a baby, photographed by Terry Richardson.”

2: “She woke up like this.”

Lobby

Moj

1: “Are they mounting a new piece?”

2: “I think this is it. Just admire the dog ears.”

MonkWalking

1: “That’s me when I leave the office on Friday #FRIYAY.”

nudesbathing

1: “Okay guys, THAT’s how you give a resting bitch face.”

Nunzio Paci

Phunk

1: “Are the two fire extinguishers part of it?”

PlasticBags

1: “If your check-in luggage is full, these foldable plastic bags make very good carry-ons.”

purplegirl

RaeHeint

ReadingMan

RedWoman

1: “Is this Cubism?”

2: “Like, painted in Cuba?”

Rhino

RomanticCouples

1: “This is more like Cubism.”

2: “Seriously, where are the cubes?”

Royals

 

SelfieWoman

1: “She’s taking a selfie like she’s making paint float.”

2: “That’s a Shaolin-level selfie.”

Shagged

1: “Mondays.”

SoldierFace

SmallSolders

SPud

waterfall

1: “This reminds me… that I need to use the washroom.”

StripperPaint

TheyWillKillUsAll

1: “When the party gets TOO lively and you need sobering up.”

TimberBoat

Transformer

1: “Looks like a action figurine from the ’80s.”

UltraBuddha

1: “When Ultraman lets go.”

2: “Oriental Ceelo-Green.”

WovenFerrari

YayoiKusana

1: “This is radioactive fruit, right?”

ArtLitter

1: “What do abandoned champagne flutes, programme sheets, and two Coke cans in the corner mean?”

2: “It means we’re done.”

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Tommy is an art fan. He has had no art training whatsoever, but he enjoys the fairs to the best of his abilities.

Follow him at @TommyWee on Instagram / Facebook @ThatTommyWee