Dear men everywhere, we have to talk about the polo tee.
Not in a pouty, Blue Steel via GQ or Vogue kinda way, but in a come-here-you’re-my-friend-and-I-need-you-to-know-this kinda way.
Writing about the basic polo tee isn’t earth-shattering I know – it’s nothing like the decidedly bleak Trump-dominated U.S Presidential Elections, or which self-professed beauty
freeloader blogger has had more plastic surgery, but it needs to be done.
The ubiquitous polo tee warrants air time because it is creeping into too many places, on too many
tourists people, on all the wrong body types. We’re not shaming, we’re just saying.
A polo tee is the wardrobe equivalent of that weird, Tilda Swinton-esque dude at the gym who signs up for pole-dancing classes. You’re not sure why he’s there, but you’re not making any conversation.
There are exceptions to the rules, of course. Five traits, to be exact. When you are blessed with these world-beating qualities, you’re allowed to wear a polo tee.
Let me lay it out for you.
1) A Badass ‘Tude
You see that face? It’s scowling, but it’s a fashion scowl. Every morning, David Beckham wakes up like this.
When you have a net worth of approximately S$500 million, you can walk out into the streets with your living room curtains wrapped around your torso, and it’ll be fashion. Basically, handsome mugs get away with almost everything, including fully-buttoned up polo tees.
A polo tee is neither casual or dressy – it doesn’t do casual in the way a round neck t-shirt does, and it can’t do dressy as well as a crisp, tailored shirt. I’ll give you an example, a polo tee is good enough for your friend’s baby’s first-month celebrations next to the heartland condominium pool, but little else.
Look at David Beckham. HE IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A POLO TEE.
2) A Movie Star’s Looks
Look at Daniel Craig go. He’s shooting in the middle of a desert in the most normcore of outfits, yet he is scaling that Hollywood dream with every man step he takes.
His polo tee is basically screaming, “Yes, rip me apart with your pecs!”
Here’s the other dilemma with the polo tee: Should you go tuck yourself? Or buttoned all the way up? Tuck it in and you look like you code for a struggling start-up and live on cup noodles. Leave it un-tucked and you’re that sloppy guy on welfare and fast-food vouchers.
What’s that? You button your polo tees all the way to the top? You must be the most ironic person in the room, with a highly-evolved sense of humour only your Mum understands.
Look at Daniel Craig. HE IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A POLO TEE.
3) Broad Shoulders And A Chiselled Core
Ryan Gosling has the scowl and the lean, toned body to match. That’s an underwear-soaking, killer combo right there.
But if you don’t have broad shoulders and a chiselled core, and you pull on a snug polo tee, you will have the side profile of ground beef sausage.
Look at Ryan Gosling. HE IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A POLO TEE.
4) A Hero’s Weight
Have you saved a kitten stranded on a tree lately? Did you push a pram with a baby inside out of harm’s way? Did you even save the muffins from burning in the oven?
Look at Idris Elba. Gaze into his world-weary eyes. He has seen some heavy stuff (such as kaijus in Pacific Rim and civil war in Beast Of No Nation). But his macho allure lies in his British accent.
The man’s voice can turn your family’s laundry list into a podcast for office ladies.
Look at Idris Elba. HE IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A POLO TEE.
5) A Criminal Amount Of Swag
A legit polo tee wearer need not be the most physically perfect person in the room, but it helps to look something like Cristiano Ronaldo.
And I’m not just saying how his cheekbones can grate cheese and his talent for super sexy photo-spreads.
When he wears a polo tee, his accessories transcend beyond those of the basic sunglasses or timepiece. His most notorious accessories to date are multi-million football contracts, supermodel girlfriends and luxury cars that make James Bond jelly. By the time he takes to the field to take his legendary free kicks, everyone else is slayed.
Look at Cristiano Ronaldo. HE IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A POLO TEE.