The Token 2015 Birthday Post: What I’ve Learnt

So my wife made popcorn, a bunch of mouth-watering dishes, and invited the gang over for a dizzyingly good time. But the day isn’t complete if I don’t get things off my non-hairy chest. So here you go, the cursory birthday list of What I’ve Learnt.

1. Don’t insult others’ intelligence, because they will feel like you’re insulting their intelligence.

2. If you’ve ever queued happily for 45 minutes for soft-serve ice-cream, you must be a very relaxed person.

3. Be kind to your hosts, because they have the WiFi passwords.

4. When you’re waiting for the lift, and someone else comes along and impatiently presses the lift button again, it means they think people hang around lift lobbies for fun.
5. Self-declared style bloggers are rarely stylish.

6. When dealing with drivers who honk as soon as the light turns green, you should take some time to check your rear-view mirror to see who they are.

7. If you’re not a morning person, you should avoid morning people.

8. Small children exist to test your kindness, patience and love. Because you once tested someone else’s too.

9. It’s okay if you’re uncomfortable with selfies. There’s no need to slag off those who are.

10. When a woman says, “It’s fine. Don’t worry”, it’s not fine, and you should quit your job, change your name, and migrate.

11. You can’t please everyone. Not everyone is worth pleasing anyway.

12. Sometimes you go to the supermarket because you “just need some milk”. But rest assured you will never leave the supermarket with just milk.

13. In any argument, logic trumps temper or tears.

14. Whatever the annoying hipster health trend, whether it’s the Paleo diet or cold-pressed juices, if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. (Related: Why do people refer to their other halves as “THE boy” or ‘THE girl”? What’s wrong with the determiner, ‘MY’?)

15. Travel bloggers may be having a lousy time. You’d never know.

16. Before taking professional-standard photos in crowded tourist attractions, remember to remove the lens cover first.

17. If they’re still not interesting after two drinks, they’re probably boring.

18. Real friends spare the formalities. They swear.

19. If you’re in the middle of an argument and you realise you’re wrong, shake your head slowly, say, “I don’t expect you to understand.” Then run away.

20. No matter how you say it, someone will take offence at the word, “Fat”.