So my wife made popcorn, a bunch of mouth-watering dishes, and invited the gang over for a dizzyingly good time. But the day isn’t complete if I don’t get things off my non-hairy chest. So here you go, the cursory birthday list of What I’ve Learnt.
- Don’t insult others’ intelligence, because they will feel like you’re insulting their intelligence.
- If you’ve ever queued happily for 45 minutes for soft-serve ice-cream, you must be a very relaxed person.
- Be kind to your hosts, because they have the WiFi passwords.
- When you’re waiting for the lift, and someone else comes along and impatiently presses the lift button again, it means they think people hang around lift lobbies for fun.
- Self-declared style bloggers are rarely stylish.
- When dealing with drivers who honk as soon as the light turns green, you should take some time to check your rear-view mirror to see who they are.
- If you’re not a morning person, you should avoid morning people.
- Small children exist to test your kindness, patience and love. Because you once tested someone else’s too.
- It’s okay if you’re uncomfortable with selfies. There’s no need to slag off those who are.
- When a woman says, “It’s fine. Don’t worry”, it’s not fine, and you should quit your job, change your name, and migrate.
- You can’t please everyone. Not everyone is worth pleasing anyway.
- Sometimes you go to the supermarket because you “just need some milk”. But rest assured you will never leave the supermarket with just milk.
- In any argument, logic trumps temper or tears.
- Whatever the annoying hipster health trend, whether it’s the Paleo diet or cold-pressed juices, if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. (Related: Why do people refer to their other halves as “THE boy” or ‘THE girl”? What’s wrong with the determiner, ‘MY’?)
- Travel bloggers may be having a lousy time. You’d never know.
- Before taking professional-standard photos in crowded tourist attractions, remember to remove the lens cover first.
- If they’re still not interesting after two drinks, they’re probably boring.
- Real friends spare the formalities. They swear.
- If you’re in the middle of an argument and you realise you’re wrong, shake your head slowly, say, “I don’t expect you to understand.” Then run away.
- No matter how you say it, someone will take offence at the word, “Fat”.
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